I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
