Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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