her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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