allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
