The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
