This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
