i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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