Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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