I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
