In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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