DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
