Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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