i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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