He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
