The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
