Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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