I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
