peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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