I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
