Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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