I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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