she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
