Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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