my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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