if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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