At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
