obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I still have a little drunk in my system
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
