apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
