Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize