worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Even my vagina gasped.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
