If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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