I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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