I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
