I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You ruined the universe
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
