Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
