sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize