i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
