so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
