How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Randomize
