I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
