so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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