Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
