new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have fence marks all over my body
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
