Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
