So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
