Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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