fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
vagina is talking i cant
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
