For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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