my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
