At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
