I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
