Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
