the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
