Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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