Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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