alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
