when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize