im six kinds of drunk right now
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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