i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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