Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
